Seraphina's wild hair is finally long enough that I can pull it back into a clip (though she hates it when I mess with her hair..I think she prefers to be a wild child with wild hair to match).
I think about how she is going to be as she gets older a lot..which I suppose all parents do. But my thoughts go quickly from "is she going to hate her curly hair when she's a teenager?" to "is she going to be in a wheelchair?", "will she be able to talk?", "will she be made fun of because she might be 'different'?" I think the last question saddens me the most.
You read all the time about bullying in school and how mean kids can be. How exactly are you supposed to protect your child from that? I suppose I have time to figure that out. And maybe I won't have to figure that out at all..perhaps all of Seraphina's "issues" will work themselves out in time and she will have no visible disabilities.
Sometimes I think I am in denial.
Am I in denial?
Would I know if I was in denial?
Or am I just trying desperately to stay positive.
Because negativity is not going to help anyone.
I think the hardest part is that I just don't know what she is going to be like as she gets older. I have no idea if she will ever have the strength to walk on her own, or even sit up on her own.
There are so many questions that will have no answers until time unfolds them.
The hardest is when a stranger sees Seraphina and asks how old she is (14 months)..they in evidently ask if she is walking up a storm and usually I just grit my teeth and say something like "oh, she just prefers my arms!..she just wants to be held by me all day long rather than walk!" See?-denial. But saying that is easier than saying (::insert deep breathe::..I will not cry I will not cry as I type/say this..) "My daughter has cerebral palsy" and then watching their faces fall a little and scoot away after muttering "oh I'm so sorry."
But here I go again..this wasn't really supposed to be a post like this but I opened the floodgates of my thoughts and they came spilling out. But it feels good..this is like therapy for me because like I mentioned earlier, I may-or may not-be in denial that there is anything but normalcy with my dear Seraphina.
Regardless of the obstacles that we may..or may not..face in the future, my baby girl loves me for me and I love her just the same, no matter what.
Thanks for listening on this word-full Wednesday.